Posted: 2017-12-07 20:58
Acknowledging these larger structural issues around the commodification of male desire and the way it affects our dating options and choices as women is difficult, because it can make us feel powerless and/or less-than-feminist. So posts like this make folks uncomfortable, often leading to three kinds of reactionary (and unhelpful) comments. The first will be from those folks who insist that I must really have low self-esteem about my weight and that it must be coming through to the dudes I’m meeting. Um, that would be a Negative. That ain’t it. Even though we all have insecurities, self-confidence is not my major struggle. The only way to live in my body, doing the work I do, is to be confident.
What is a paycheck but food and shelter? Do you think early man, having come back from the forest or field, bringing back an animal or rice, told his woman: hey wait, that shit is mine! I get to decide how to cut up that animal, and I will cook the rice! See how crazy that sounds? Mens job was outside the home, and having brought back what was needed, was turned over to the women of the household. Men didn 8767 t hang around the kitchen to see how the resources were being used. Women 8767 s job was to run the household. In exchange, women would never question what a man did outside of the house.
Brilliant post! I definitely agree with many of the points, particularly those that speak to the structural nature of some of these issues, as far as how much what is attractive is socially constructed and patriarchal. Black women in general are already low on the totem pole in an American society that values Caucasian beauty and if one is not Caucasian, 8775 ethnic beauties 8776 that have Caucasian features add fat to the mix and it does seem dimmer, and yes many Black men are caught up in this too quite unwittingly.
Then your experience in the club. I FEEL THE SAME WAY when I go out with friends. Whenever I act friendly towards a guy in a bar even if it is just politeness! they will deliberately talk to someone else or not even give you the time of day. I could totally visualize myself when you told the story of the guy that was your type when you were out with your group. It 8767 s almost as if they have to overtly ignore you to avoid the horror of having the fat chick be into them. As if we automatically are, right?!
I agree that they are different, but by what arbitrary decree are women supposed to be or allowed to be more selective? In this country, using the court system, a woman can straight wreck a man so men have just as much right to be selective. In fact only a fool is not selective. Nothing not one single thing can wreck your life like a woman can. Which is exactly why many men are opting out.
I am here by way of Think Pretty Smart. What you propose to do is no different that women getting implants, wearing revealing clothing, high heels, covering their grey hair, etc to attract men. I know personally that I do things to attract men like flatiorning my hair. Black men love it. Wite men, not so much, they can appreciate the curls. Since I want to attract black men, I straighten my hair once a month.
Good luck to you.
I really dig your writing and points about fat girl acceptance. I am not a fat girl- except maybe in my head sometimes- but I am a feminist and want to know how to fight for the acceptance of all women. I am also glad you pointed out the being healthy argument, because, if I 8767 m honest, that comes up in my mind a lot as well and I like understanding/being reminded that we don 8767 t have a society that teaches about health at a healthy level.
Here 8767 s a collage of the majority of what I experienced in Tokyo this past January. Granted, it was winter cold and windy. Despite the conditions, 95% of women, excluding the elderly, smartly dressed. I took these pictures shopping, walking to the train station in Shin-Yuriasu, and walking around Tokyo Disney (where is the only place I saw school-girls, which is exactly what there were, tween and teen school girls). Yes, a significant number of girls walking around all day at Disney dress in skirts and heels.
I think Rusty nailed it. As Evan and others always say, the more qualifications you put on who you want to date, the more you 8767 re limiting your dating pool. And then you need to hope that you 8767 re what they 8767 re looking for! Simply having a kid (let alone four) makes the pool of men who would want to date you smaller. I 8767 m sure you could find someone who ticks off all your checkboxes, given enough time, but what if it takes you ten years? You could have spent the last ten years happily with someone else who ticks off most-but-not-all of your checkboxes.
Can you name the Balkan leader who has been in high office longer than Alexander Lukashenko of Belarus? If not, I''ll do it for you. In Montenegro, Milo Djukanovic has held power and just about every high-level post there is over the past quarter century. Now he''s considering running for the presidency. There is usually only one reason for a politician to not want to give up the reins of power the risk of being prosecuted for corruption. Sometimes the rabbit hole is just too deep.
Reinhardt embodies everything that Western Alphas rail against for EE retards. Busted betas think they can become alphas in eastern Europe and score model hot Slavic white bitches. Busted betas think they can go to SE Asia and act like the busted ass pussy betas they are and score the best that SE Asia has to offer. Guess what pudgy white guy? You are as unattractive in Eastern Europe as you were in the US or the UK. You are as unattractive in South America or SE Asia as you were in a western nation.
Wow I 8767 ll admit this is about to get long, and i hope i stay on point, but this is totally my life. I 8767 m 5 8767 8 and 775 and I 8767 ve always been the 8775 sisterly 8776 chick out of the group. Never sexy, cute, nothing, just sisterly. I 8767 ve always deep down inside thought my weight was an issue and my friends assured me that I was a good catch and that could never be the issue. Great friends right?!
This is such an honest post! Thank you so much for sharing. It is so true that men like thick, aka Beyonce, not thick aka Monique or pre Weight Watchers J. Hud. I have a couple friends and acquaintances that really have to work on their weight, not just to get a date, but to feel better about themselves. I really believe that if you feel good about how you look, you will put positive energy into the world, and that 8767 s attractive. All the best!
I admit that I just started a diet myself, and am trying to ignore the 8766 die 8767 implication in diet trying to do this both for myself and acknowledge that social context of desire you speak of. I think I can (hopefully) do self -care in a way that is fun and self-supporting without making me fantasize that I 8767 m 8766 better 8767 than anyone, or 8766 better 8767 than my old self.
Several months ago I was in a bar/lounge type spot, with a group of 7 or 8 homegirls. We ranged in size and skin tone, from short and petite, to tall and lanky, from light-skinned to dark-skinned, from skinny to fat (me being the fat one), and everything in between. The homeboy of one of my homegirls happened to be in the club. Now in many ways, he was my type. Mid-height, stocky, dark-skinned, bald-headed. My girl gave us his vital statistics and it turns out the brother is highly intelligent and very accomplished. He was also a natural flirt. This I discovered, as I watched him at different points during the evening, strike up a conversation and flirt with every single girl in the crew—except me. My homegirl indicated to me at some point that I should make sure to meet him, because she thought we’d have similar interests. Not one to be shy, I did at some point attempt to strike up a conversation. He barely acknowledged me! I mean he literally didn’t look me in the eye, made no real attempt at conversation, and pretty much gave me the brush off. And starting talking to another one of my homegirls!
thank you for sharing. my girl and i were recently discussing dating, men and feelings of being feminist 8775 imposters 8776 because of our preferences and choices when it comes to our partners. although we are aware of the inequalities and systems that structure desire, as you pointed out, we also have to live in the world (that we have become some well at deconstructing) and find happiness, as one defines it. as a black female doctoral student, and oneday professor, i understand this struggle that you speak of in the post although my particular struggle with dating has been different from the one you have shared. i support you in your decision and i wholly agree that Demetria Lucas is fab!
no, they are told to get a better job, to be more exciting and sucessful, etc. you are not entitled to get the man or woman that you want, otherwise, all men, even 55 and 65 years old would date 75 and 75 year old women, and all women would have the bad boy millionaire type. we can 8767 t all have what we want, look at yourself objectively in the mirror and decide if you have to compromise, i did, and i have to compromise, that is life.
75% of BW or either obese or over weight. I 8767 m over 95 and at the 55 lb weight loss mark with about 75 lbs more to go. BM have choices and the more money they make the better choices they have. What American society thinks is so called thick is size 6-67. Even though the average size for American women 69, 5 8767 9, 665lbs. Star Jones saw it a a health Scott, Raven Symone, and Monique lost Atlanta, BM have choices and the more educated they are the more choices they 8767 m in the gym 5 days a every 65 BM in LA Fitness there 8767 s 7 do we still hear sistas scream about their hair and nails getting messed up! Why would a BM with so many options,Hispanics, Asians and white women, end up with a over weight , it 8767 s hard to stay in shape but it 8767 s a health issue. Educated BM want a health woman to marry. Not, someone who just doesn 8767 t care about their health.
I agree however that the tone does not have to be harsh. I agree that this women is going to have it rough and following your example may be her best bet, because I am not sure she is going to be willing to accept that she can 8767 t have it all. Most women seem to bristly at that notion the notion of having to settle, and so long as she sees it as settling, it won 8767 t be very appealing to her. She will need a paradigm shift a change from finding the 8775 hot 8776 guys sexy, to finding the stable, unselfish guys as sexy, even of they don 8767 t have the pretty faces and hot bodies.
What I’m getting at is something much more fundamental. Because desire is socially constructed (no matter how much folks justify their limited dating choices based on ‘natural preference 8767 ), the fact that we live in a fat-hating culture greatly affects who we’re attracted to, and what we find attractive. The idea that we’re only attractive within a range of sizes is absurd. And narrow. And it is absolutely a function of patriarchy. And yet, I live daily with those realities.